Introduction: These are all jokes I've thought up, been sent, or discovered whilst randomly surfing the "net". If one of these is yours let me know and I'll give you the credit. If it is yours and you want it removed then also please let me know. If you want to contribute then please do so to: email@parisworld.co.uk

Speeding:

A police officer stops an MG owner for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replies in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and now today you expect me to show it to you."

True Story?

A man has too much to drink at a party. His friends offer to drive him home, but the says no - he only lives a mile away.

About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a call for a robbery taking place in a house just a block away.

The police tell him to stay put; they will be right back - and they run down the street to the robbery.

After a few minutes, the man decides to drive home.

When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

A few hours later, the police knock on the door. They ask if a Mr. X lives there, and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.

The police ask to see his car and she asks why.

They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door - where they find the police car, lights still flashing.

More MG jokes:

How do you make an MG go faster?
A tow truck.

What do you call the shock absorbers inside an MG?
Passengers.

Two guys in an MG were arrested last night in London following a push-by shooting incident.

The new MG has an air bag. When you sense an impending accident, start pumping real fast.

A friend went to a dealer the other day and said, "I'd like a petrol cap for my MG." The dealer replied, "Okay. Sounds like a fair trade."

How can you get an MG to do 60 miles an hour?
Push it over a cliff.

A TR mechanic's tools:

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling roll bar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (what wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter.

ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetylene torch.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month-old Salem's from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a sports car to the ground after you have installed a set of Motor sports lowered road springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2x4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build-up on crankshaft pulleys.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.

JESUS CLIP: "Jesus" every time you drop one of these.

Irish Man:

An Irishman (Sorry you Irish out there) is driving down the middle of a town centre road at 90mph in his fast car (NOT AN MG THEN?) when he is stopped by the police...

The policeman asked him what he thought gave him the right to do this.

His reply was, "But to be sure, it says I can on my driving licence!"

The policeman is slightly stunned, so he asks to see the licence, in particular the bit that the Irishman is refering to.

Not to be put off, the Irishman produces his worn driving licence and points to the bit above the organ donar bit... "There", he says, "it says tear down dashed line"

The policeman's reply is not recorded....

Essex Girl:

A trucker in Essex stops for a red light, where a blonde jumps out of
her car and knocks on his door.
"Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load", she warns
him breathlessly.
The trucker ignores her and continues down the street.
When he stops at the next red light, the girl again catches up, jumps
out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly:
"Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her and continues down the street.
At the third red light, all out of breath the blonde gets out of her
car, runs up, and knocks on the window again.
"Hi, my name is Heather", she repeats, "and you are losing some of your
load!"
When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next
light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and
runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window and as she lowers it,
he says:
"Hi, my name is Kevin and I'm driving a gritter!"