Introduction: These are all jokes I've thought up, been sent, or discovered whilst randomly surfing the "net". If one of these is yours let me know and I'll give you the credit. If it is yours and you want it removed then also please let me know. If you want to contribute then please do so to: email@parisworld.co.uk

Old Lady:

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for.
The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, "I was going to park there!"
The man was a real smart aleck and he said, "That's what you can do when you're young and bright."
Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes.
The young man ran back to his car and asked, "What did you do that for?"
The little old lady smiled and told him, "That's what you can do when you're old and rich!"

MG Owner:

An MG breaks down along the motorway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the side of the road. He jumps out of the car, opens the boot, and pulls out two men in trench coats.
The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. This results in one of the worst pile-ups in history.
When questioned by police about why he put two perverts along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"

Dead Drivers:

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation.
They are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the greatest doctors of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I would like to hear them say...... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

Software Engineer:

A software engineer, hardware engineer and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guard rails until it finally ground to a halt along the mountainside.
The occupants of the car were unhurt, but they had a problem. They were stuck halfway down the mountain in a car with no brakes.

"I know" said the manager. "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and through a process of Continuous Improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems and we'll be on our way."

"No," said the hardware engineer. "I've got my Swiss army knife with me. I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we'll be on our way."

"Wait," said the software engineer. "Before we do anything, shouldn't we push the car back to the top of the mountain and see if it happens again?"

The Road to Hell?:

Bob was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold. Passers by pulled him from the wreck and revived him.

Bob began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the paramedics.

Later, after Bob calmed down, they asked him why he struggled so much.

Bob said, "I remembered the impact. Then... nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing sign. Turns out somebody was standing in front of the 'S' on the 'Shell' sign."

Two MG Drivers:

There were these two MG drivers driving along the highway looking for a place to stop and picnic.

The first driver says, "Let's stop here, and have our picnic under that tree."

The other says, "No! Let's have it right here in the middle of the road."

They fought for a bit, but finally agreed to have it in the middle of the road.

All of a sudden, a car comes speeding towards them and has to swerve into the tree to keep from hitting them.

The second MG driver says, "See? If we were under that tree, we'd be dead now!"

Three Engineers:

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical
engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the
road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car
and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer,
not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming
emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with
a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in,
open the windows again, and maybe it'll work !?"

Wise Saying:

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end,someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Why is the MGBGT rear shaped like that? So it can slide through hedge rows more easily!